


Say Anything

by chellerrific



Category: Greek and Roman Mythology, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: F/M, Family, Siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-24
Updated: 2011-08-24
Packaged: 2017-10-29 06:12:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/316646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chellerrific/pseuds/chellerrific
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is why he tends to ignore his children.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Say Anything

**Author's Note:**

  * For [skypirateb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/skypirateb/gifts).



> For Philippa, written during Dissertation-a-thon 2011. Credit for "Z-Diddy" goes 100% to her.

“Oh Daddy.” Hebe stood over the couch on which her father slept, hands on her hips. “Not again.”

Zeus cracked one eye open. “Don’t start with me.”

“I’m not starting anything. I’m just… judging you a bit, that’s all!”

Zeus rolled his eyes. “Easy for you to say.”

“What, you mean because my husband and I are mutually unfaithful?”

“Yep.”

“Poor pitiful you, having a wife who refuses to cheat.”

“It’d make my life a whole hell of a lot easier.”

“Oh, please. It would kill you if she cheated. You men are all alike when it comes to your double standards in that regard.”

Zeus closed his eyes again. “Be quiet, I’m sleeping.”

“I’m just trying to get used to this sight since I know you’ll be a fixture here for a while yet.”

“It won’t be that long before she gets horny again.”

“ _Daddy_!”

“Hebe, you can’t play the innocent maiden card with me anymore. Even if you didn’t have kids, I’ve met your husband.”

She smacked him lightly on the arm. “I mean, you should _do_ something to get her to forgive you, instead of just leaving it.”

“Why should I bother? You don’t know your mother as well as I do, Hebe. I just have to give her some time to cool off. Once she starts chewing ice I know I’m in the home stretch.”

“Daddy, come on. Just because she always does forgive you doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t make an effort anyway.”

“I’m tired. Go bug your brothers.”

Hera would come back to his bed, she always did. He had no doubts about this. She didn’t usually liked to be bothered while she was fuming either. He dozed off, thinking about what he had done to earn her ire this time and feeling quite satisfied with himself.

* * *

“ _Goooood_ morning, Z-Diddy!”

Zeus was jolted awake by Apollo flopping down on the couch next to him. “The fuck?”

“I have heard through the grapevine about your predicament and I have come to offer my not inconsiderable services!”

“Gee, how thoughtful. Fuck off, I was in the middle of a dream about what I would have done to Thetis if it weren’t for that damn prophecy.”

“No, listen, I’ve got an idea and it is _solid gold_ ,” Apollo insisted.

Zeus sighed and rubbed his eyes. “I suppose you’re not going to leave me alone until I hear this ‘solid gold’ idea of yours.”

“Damn straight! So anyway, there’s this movie, I don’t know if you’ve seen it…”

* * *

The volume on the boombox was all the way up. Zeus hit play and held it up over his head. Peter Gabriel blasted out over Olympus.

He stood there for a few minutes, reminding himself he was King of Olympus and therefore was under no obligation to have shame, before Hera finally appeared at her window.

He dropped the boombox but still didn’t duck in time to avoid the shoe she threw at him. “I hate that song and I _hate_ John Cusack!” She retreated into her room, slamming the window with a crash behind her. (If it had been built by mortals it would have shattered.)

“Dude!” Apollo cried, popping up from the bush behind him. “How can anyone hate _John Cusack_!”

* * *

The Iris Message arrived the next morning. Zeus thought for sure Dionysus was going to complain about his sentence _yet again_ (he had no idea why the boy thought that would get it reduced rather than _extended_ ), so he was mildly bemused when D said, “Get her drunk.”

“What?”

“The wife. Ply her with wine.” He yawned. “Not that I care or anything, but Apollo was telling me I should help. Oh dear, looks like one of the campers has caught on fire again. I had better go…” He yawned again, stretched lazily, scratched himself, and then ended the message.

Zeus sat back with a sigh and rubbed his face. He was only enabling those hens to keep interfering by listening to them, but all the same…

* * *

“And for my sake, don’t act all nervous and giggly!” Zeus whispered to Ganymede.

Ganymede looked affronted by the very suggestion. “You of all people should know that I am always exactly as smooth as I want to be.” He pouted. “I don’t know why I’m even helping you with this. She’ll get over it eventually. In the mean time we could…”

“I’m trying something new, okay? Now go and serve her!”

Ganymede gave a pained sigh, then stepped out from behind the pillar where they were hidden and headed over to Hera, his hands cradling the especially-potent old vintage that Dionysus had made for him long before he’d been put on punishment.

“Finally,” Hera said. “I was getting parched.” She held up her glass.

“I apologize,” Ganymede said, only just barely not giggling as he poured the wine. “I was slowed by a big gust of wind.”

Behind the pillar, Zeus rolled his eyes.

“Yes, well. I never expected you to be as competent as my daughter was,” Hera said tightly.

Ganymede gave a slight bow. “If only.”

As he passed Zeus’s hiding place on his way out, he made a face of disgust.

Zeus watched silently as Hera took a tiny bite of her dinner, then reached for her glass. She took a sip, then set the glass down to pat her mouth gingerly with a napkin.

She stood up, scooting the chair backwards out of her way, and walked toward the same door through which Ganymede had just left. Instead of going out after him, however, she turned at Zeus’s pillar, threw the wine from her glass in his face (he hadn’t even realized she’d picked it up again!), and said, “As if you think you can drug me like an over-eager coed!” Then she threw the empty glass at him and stormed out without a backward glance.

* * *

The next one to approach him was Hermes. He was too quick; otherwise Zeus would have avoided him or shot him or something.

“You and I both know fancy tricks won’t work,” Hermes said. “Hera’s not that kind of woman. Keep it simple: use your words. They’re your most powerful weapon.” He paused, counting on his fingers. “Well, third-most. That’s still pretty good though, and definitely beats Cameron Crowe films and vaguely illegal uses of alcohol.”

“Hera doesn’t want to talk to me.”

“That’s why you _convince_ her,” Hermes said. “Use your words to construct an argument so irrefutable she has no _choice_ but to give in.”

“Do you guys even listen to yourselves when you talk?”

“Oh, so you’ll wake up half of Olympus with eighties pop music but I suggest speaking persuasively and _I’m_ the weirdo.”

Zeus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose; he was getting a headache. “Whatever. You have a point, good for you.”

Hermes shrugged. “I’m just saying.”

Zeus glared at him. “You’re _always_ ‘just saying.’ I wish you would just _not_ say once in a while.”

Hermes grinned back. “Then I wouldn’t be me.”

“Exactly.”

* * *

And so, because he had listened to Apollo now he had to listen to Hermes too. He found Hera in her sitting room, reading a J.D. Robb novel and sipping a latte.

Zeus sat down on the sofa next to her and draped his arm over the back of it. “So, I was thinking—”

“Get out right now or I’ll cut all the crotches out of your suit pants.”

Zeus got up and left. He knew a lost cause when he saw it.

* * *

“I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today,” Zeus said, leaning on the table and looking at each of the gods sitting around the table in turn.

“Certainly not just for the excuse to use that phrase,” Apollo said.

“Funny, I don’t remember asking you to come. Don’t you, like, have a new season of _Teen Mom_ to work on casting or something?”

“I can’t let my baby sister be in a room alone with men, can I!”

Artemis glared at him. “How many times—”

“Do you have to tell him, yeah, yeah, save it, you two can get a room later,” Zeus interrupted. “Listen, enough of these little ‘counseling sessions’ you guys have been seeing fit to give me. We’re getting this over with here and now. Get all your stupid little ‘advisements’ out now so I can just go ahead and ignore them all at once.”

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” Athena said after a pause.

“You know, he and Hera are on the rocks. For a change,” Hermes said drily.

“You have seriously called us here to discuss your love life?” Artemis scoffed. “Why don’t you just leave her alone, if that’s what she wants? You men could all do with learning to leave women alone more.”

“Oh Arty,” Aphrodite said, waving her hand. “Speak for yourself. Personally I like being bothered by men.” She winked at Ares, who put a hand over his mouth to keep from giggling.

“Disgraceful,” Artemis said.

Hephaestus shifted in his seat next to his wife. “I don’t see what you expect me to be able to offer on the subject.”

“I’m not looking for anything,” Zeus said. “I just know you cute little kibitzers all think you have sage advice to offer on the subject and I really would like to get it all over with now.”

Athena leaned forward, resting her chin between her thumb and forefinger. “I think first it is necessary to assess her defenses. It is basic strategy to locate your target’s weak point and attack it.”

“In bed,” Ares added helpfully.

“Yes, Ares, ‘in bed.’ That is exactly what I was going to say next; how ever did you know?” Athena said.

“So, what? Is that what you guys have to offer me? ‘Attack her weak point’?”

“For massive damage!” Hermes and Apollo said at the same time, then fistbumped.

“I suggested leaving her alone,” Artemis pointed out.

“Yes, which is what I was trying to do until your brothers decided to make themselves ‘useful.’”

“What’s with all the ‘air quotes’ today, Z-Diddy?” Apollo asked, mimicking him. “They make you seem like ‘a dick.’”

Zeus rolled his eyes. “Anyone else? Anything at all?”

Hephaestus rubbed the back of his neck. “Perhaps you should take this as a sign. You have had your share of troubles over the years. Perhaps it’s time for both of you to move on.”

“Uh, yeah, no, that’s not going to happen.”

“Try a bubble bath?” Ares suggested.

“I can’t even get her to talk to me, Ares. She’s not going to get naked in a tub with me.”

Ares blinked. “I didn’t mean _with_ her.”

Zeus sighed. “Aphrodite, you’ve been awfully quiet. Isn’t this sort of your domain? Don’t tell me you have no opinion on the subject.”

“Hardly,” Aphrodite said, tossing her hair. “Honestly, what’s true love without a few ups and downs? That’s what makes it _interesting_ , isn’t it? It wouldn’t be true love if it weren’t going to triumph in the end, would it?”

“So your advice is ‘do nothing,’” Zeus said, for clarification.

She shrugged. “Or get her roses. That couldn’t hurt.”

“ _Such_ imagination. All right, all of you get out of my sight and I don’t want to hear another word on this subject. I’m… gonna go take a bubble bath.”

Ares threw his arms up in the air. “All right! Does that mean I win? What do I win?”

“I’m not going to fry your ass today,” Zeus said. “Now all of you, _beat it_ before I change my mind.”

* * *

Zeus got out just before his fingers went all pruney; he found a pruney king terribly undignified. He was toweling his hair off when he nearly ran into Hera. They both stopped short when they spotted one another.

“Shit, I hope you weren’t wanting a bubble bath, ’cause, ah, I kinda just used the last of it,” Zeus said after an awkward pause.

“Oh,” Hera said through pursed lips. “Then I shall just have to ask Ares to borrow some of his Mr. Bubble. I hope he won’t mind.” She turned to go.

“Wait, Hera, please.”

She stopped, but didn’t turn back to face him.

“I’m… sorry. For all the weird shit I’ve been doing lately. I know you need your space, and it takes time. I was actually just going to leave it like I normally do, but then Hebe and everyone kept saying I should do something about it, and I realized… you know, they have a point. Not… that their ideas were any good. Obviously, they were shit. But I realized that I didn’t want to just _wait_. I didn’t want to waste that time that we could be spending together with things like this between us. I thought, isn’t it better to _try_? To—to try and see if I can get things back on track sooner? So I did. I went about it like a dumbass, though, which is why I’m apologizing now. I knew gimmicks and tricks wouldn’t work on you. You’re not that kind of woman.”

Hera didn’t make a move to indicate she’d even heard him for a long moment. Then she let out a sigh. “You should know better than to listen to those fools. I mean, _really_ , Peter Gabriel?”

“That was Apollo.”

“Apollo,” Hera said at the same time as he did, nodding. She was half-turned towards him now. “I did guess.”

“I’m not going to mention who thought of the wine thing because you already hate Dionysus. Oops!” Zeus put his hand over his mouth.

Hera pursed her lips again, but this time it was to suppress a small smile. “Wine. He was really stretching with that one, wasn’t he.”

“I guess anyone would get pretty predictable after a few thousand years,” Zeus said with a slightly sheepish grin.

Hera hesitated. “You know, if you aren’t too sick of bubble baths already…”

* * *

“Drachma for your thoughts, Hermes?” Aphrodite said.

Hermes palmed the coin he’d been flipping in the air. “I got this from Zeus. Slipped it to me this morning, said something about how I was ‘partially right.’”

Aphrodite cocked an eyebrow. “I did notice our resident power couple seems to have made up overnight.”

“So it would seem indeed.”

“You owe me half of that, you know,” she told him with a grin.

“How do you figure?”

She giggled. “Because my son and I are responsible for their spat in the first place, of course!” She walked off, her head held high with self-satisfaction.


End file.
